Deep Down

I'm very tired, irritable and lonely. I'm just feeling very depressed -- I guess this is it -- I'm either going to make it out there or I'm not. Not making it is not an option for me! It's so hard learning to like myself after all I've put you through. Will you help me to meet this goal of mine? I see this "problem area" as my most significant, high risk, and destructive thinking pattern of mine. I try to defeat my negative thinking with positive thinking, but I often believe that I'm not worthy as a son, father or person because of my failures and shortcomings. I'm so disgusted with who and what I've become in life that it's almost become second nature for me to believe I'll never amount to anything and that nearly no one cares. I wish I could talk to others in our family so I could develop some sort of familial networking system to help me help myself to increase my chances of making it on the outside. I've rarely openly written or spoken how I feel on the inside because of fear of being rejected and abandoned. The shame, guilt, hurt or pain that I've brought on myself by my behaviors, actions and inactions has grown to the point that I feel their unforgivable and relentlessly haunt my everyday life. Please forgive me for all of the stress, fear, hurt, pain and mental anguish I've caused you. You didn't deserve any of it and I'm working on myself to become and remain a better son, father and individual. I know I can't change the past, but am willing to do whatever it takes to change from this point forward. I never intended for any of this to happen the way it did and more fully understand and appreciate how one's actions can affect others for many years to come. I refuse to give up and believe God has a wonderful plan for me to give back to the community and restore healthy family relationships. I ask of you for help and faith through prayer and supplication for this to become a reality. Thank you for everything, especially the undeterred faith and hope that I'll change for the better. If it wasn't for your love for me, I don't know if I would be here today.

This is part of a letter that I received from my dad today. If you happen to read this, please pray for me and my family. I have a lot to pray, think, cry and reflect about. God's been intensely working on this forgiveness thing in me for a while now. I've been journeying up and down with Him in this arena since about the fall when I moved to Indiana. I feel like the things I say aren't what I really mean, and even my thoughts just don't match up with how I feel. But is it really about how i feel? Ahh I don't know. I know that I love my dad. Deep down -- it's just so hard to look at him. Gosh. I have so much pride.

Jesus, I want your eyes. I want your heart. I want your love, grace and patience. Thank you for your love, grace and patience toward me always, God. Wow. You stun me. How can I keep this to myself? How can I want this for everyone but my own father? Please help me, God. It's in You -- that I trust.