Above all else guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life. Proverbs 4:23

May 30, 2010

Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy... Down In My Heart

Today has been such an encouragement to me, and a blessing in several ways. Let me enlighten you.

First of all, I'm pretty sure this should explain itself... :)


I have been missing Indiana a lot recently, especially my Epic family. Talking with Ann the other day, helped me realize that my love and longing for my place there during these summer months away, will only create in me a deeper and greater connection once I am back. Thank you, Lord. I have just been so blessed to be keeping in such great contact with everyone. And so, receiving this picture in my email Inbox earlier this evening seriously made my day.

I am so blessed. 


I am so proud of my mentor :) Karleen! This morning was her first day as part of Epic's praise team. She loves to sing and has such a sincere heart full of passion unto our Lord. It's all for Him!

I rejoice with love on behalf of all my brothers and sisters, but for this moment right now, I specifically lift up the Epic crew. Jesus, shine your light upon them and may they radiate the beams of your truth and love to the world around them. You have claimed them, and called them your own. Thank you. I pray that you would individually take them through a process of gutting-out their hearts, minds and motives, God, in life. You want it all, Lord, and you are so worthy. You are good.

Have I Been Flirting With Jesus?

Here is some INTENSE food for thought that is based off of the Radical series that I am still going through. Let this bring you to your knees, and be fuel for your prayer-life and your thought-life with Jesus. The quotes are mostly David Platt speaking, as well as scripture from the Bible.

The Gospel Demands Radical Sacrifice -- David Platt's Radical Series

I want to avoid getting too specific.

We have created a system of Christianity that consists in a bunch of boxes to check off. The danger is that we hear the words, ‘tell me what to do’, and ‘what am I supposed to do’. We crave boxes and think that ‘if I could just check these off, THEN it will be okay’. That is NOT the point! It misses the point all together.

That’s a Christianity that consists of external regulations that bypass the heart.

God takes the Word, shows us what the Word says, and THAT is the drive that leads us to the spirit of God. It drives you and me to HOURS of wrestling to God in prayer about how this Word applies to us in our lives. If all we do is talk with each other about these things and come up with little boxes to check off – “hey, this is how it looks” – we will miss God’s design for us and His Word. He desires to bring us along with Him and to transform us and to radically change us, our hearts. In a way that will have external ramifications, yes, but is rooted in internal change. We will do everything we can in our Christian culture today to bypass spending the time necessary before God to experience internal change.

"We are about to read tough, difficult, hard words from Jesus. Words that are extremely foreign to our ears, even to our understanding of Christianity. God, we pray that you would expose lies and falsehoods in the way we have approached Christianity. Bring truth to bear on our lives and on your church, and I pray the result would be radical transformation in our lives. We need your spirit to do this work in us. I need your spirit to proclaim it, we need to your spirit to hear it, and we certainly need your spirit to obey it."

"Are you willing to come to Jesus on His terms? The brand of Christianity today that we have adopted operates on coming to Jesus on our own terms. Look at how we describe it and encourage people to come to Christ – we use terms that are foreign to the New Testament. ‘Follow the Roman road to Jesus, believe these 4 spiritual laws, answer these questions right, pray this prayer, raise your hand, sign this card and proclaim your love for Jesus’. He told his followers to do none of these things. 

Luke 14:26- 35. His terms: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, ‘This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’ Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. Salt is god, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out. He who has ears to hear, let him listen.

"Can you imagine standing in that crowd? Who does this guy think he is? So, I’m supposed to hate my mom, dad, brother, sister, wife and children. To pick up an instrument of torture and give up everything I have to follow you? For most of us, Jesus lost us at “hello” in this passage. Scares me to think of how I would respond in the first century to this. Some might think that such words are too hard for us to look into today, or say we don’t need to  look into this, or are we really ready, and mature enough to hear it? This is how Jesus introduced himself. That’s just it. 

This was not Jesus speaking to a "mature crowd" that was ready or needing to go deeper, this was Jesus speaking to people who were initially interested in following him. This was the initial invitation to him. What he said. Elementary/basic truths of what it means to follow him." Wow. 

"How have we gotten to the point where this seems so radical? So foreign—what is that saying to us? About how far we have strayed from what it means to be a follower, a disciple of Christ. How can we even ask the question today, 'well, can you be a believer and not a disciple?'. As if there are levels of Christianity, where first there is a thin one where you believe in Jesus and it doesn’t cost you much, and then those who are interested can go deeper, into a higher, deeper level of Christianity. The New Testament says nothing of this. Not saying that everyone is at the same place in our spiritual maturity, or that when we initially come to Christ, we know everything that we know 20 years later, but the picture is clear.

Jesus says THREE times if you don’t even do these things you can’t even be my disciple. These are the BASIC requirements for discipleship. We’ve been flirting with Jesus on our own terms. Have we ever really come to Jesus on his terms? That’s an important question to ask. This is the sacrifice of Christians – our terms.
1.        
      1. Jesus requires superior love (Luke 14:26). Hate your mother, father, wife, children, etc. What does he mean? I thought we were supposed to love people. How do you hate them and honor them at the same time? There is a dangerous temptation here, for us to try and soften Jesus’ words. To justify the way we live, so I want to be very careful here. Let’s take honest looks to see exactly what he means. 

      Matthew 22: 36 – a teacher in the law asks Jesus a question – “Teacher, what is the greatest commandment in the law?” Jesus replied: ‘‘Love the Lord your God with ALL your heart and with ALL your soul and with ALL your mind.’’ Not even God first, family second, then this person, that person. No! God is ALL. Supreme. Superior. All your affections belong to God. When the love of God is supreme in your life, then the result is love for each other. Love your neighbor. They go together. Love for each other springs from loving God. In Matthew 10:37 Jesus says, “anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.” 

      Love for anything and everything else is so far less compared to the supremeness of our love for God, that it looks like hate. This is the context brought into Luke 14. In comparison to Christ, we hate the people we love. This changes our perspective. When love for God is supreme and it captivates our hearts, then the love we show our mom and dad, children, wife…. The love that we extend is really the supreme love that we have for Christ in our lives. Our hearts are conquered by a superior affection in God. 

     We know so little of this kind of love. 

      Do you hear the way we talk? Supposed Christians? I know I need to be in church. Take my kids to church. Read the bible and pray. This is NOT Christianity. Biblical Christianity does NOT consist of grudging obedience to Christ. That is NO WAY TO LOVE. What if my wife came home from work and I greeted her at the door with a kiss on the lips. She then asked, “what’s that for?” Let me at least share with you what my response does not need to be -- “well, it says in page 54 of the marriage manual that that’s what I’m supposed to do”.

      Who ever got the idea that Christianity is begrudging obedience? We need to let go of everything in this world that we love and do the things we don’t wanna do, but we do them anyway to save our own skin. NOT biblical Christianity. Our LOVE for HIM drives everything we do. It changes our perspective on everything in this world. 

        DO YOU LOVE CHRIST? 

        DO YOU WANT CHRIST?   

      Get through the rubbish of go to church, read Bible, pray, teach classes, raising kids right…. Do you? Want him? Love him? Is he the reason you live? The One for who your heart beats? Does your love for Him make any other love look like hate? In our culture today, we idolize our children, and marriages, sex, relationships, parents, families and friends. To the point where Jesus Christ gets the leftovers from our affections and our lives. THAT is “unchristian”. Can’t be his disciple. Forsake all relationships and favor an intimate relationship with him. This is what it means to be a disciple of Christ. 

      John Bunyan. He knew that if he were to keep on preaching, it would bring great harm to his family. So what did he do? Did he keep on preaching? He said, “absolutely, keep preaching.” He wrote from his jail cell – “parting with my wife and four children has often been to me in this place, as the pulling of flesh from my bones. And not only though, because I am fond of these great mercies. But also cuz I have often brought to my mind the many hardships, miseries and wants that my poor family is likely to be meeting with. Especially my poor blind child who lay nearer to my heart than all I have besides. Oh the thought of the hardships that my blind one might go under breaks my heart to pieces, but yet,” Bunyan writes, from a prison cell, “I must venture all with God. Oh, I am like a man pulling down his house over his wife and children, yet, I must do it. I must do it.” JESUS requires superior love. Does he have it from you? If not, you cannot be his disciple.  

2.       2. Jesus requires exclusive loyalty. Carry your cross. Only time you would ever carry a cross (put yourself in their shoes back when the Bible was written), is if you were a convicted criminal, punished to die. A cross beam was hoisted on to your back to carry through the town as public humiliation on the way to your death. We could translate it to “if you do not pick up your electric chair, you cannot follow Jesus”... Even then, the cross still involves so much more cruelty and torture. 
 
      Think about it… if you’re carrying a cross, you’re like a dead man walking. No more dreams, plans, or ideas for your life. Everything over. No more pride or honor. Nothing. This is the picture Jesus gives to describe what it means to follow him. Any takers? 
 
      Through the cross of Christ, we die to the life we live. If you are a Christian, according to scripture, you are dead. To yourself, your dreams, your hopes, your plans, your ideas. For what is going to happen in your life. Hate even your own life. Can’t live based on what you desire, want, or hope for. Dead to them. “I have been crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live.” (But if you’re reading this, you must still be breathing, right? I’m breathing as I type this), so… how do we live in Christ? Be dead to self, alive in Christ?

      Dead to self-esteem thinking, centered planning, self-comforting, self-saturated desiring, but alive to Christ-esteem thinking, honoring, desiring, planning and centered living.

      Our entire identity is wrapped up in who He is. Changes not only our perspective, but our priority. You do not determine where you live. House. Car you drive. Clothes you wear. Things you buy. Plans you make. Christ now determines everything. You have died to the life you live. You don’t determine anything in your life anymore. Christ determines it all. That is a huge claim of authority over you."

"Let’s continue in Luke 14. 

As Christians, we are workers constructing a building. We need to ESTIMATE the cost before we start. To see if there will be enough money to complete it. 

Jesus gave us a clear warning against making hasty emotional decisions to follow him. 

You better realize the cost. It’s so common today to just asked – 'Do you believe that you’re a sinner? Do believe in Jesus? Well, welcome to the Kingdom!' Here’s the problem, the devil can say yes to both those things. Meanwhile Jesus is pleading, count the cost, count the cost, COUNT THE COST! Before you take one step forward. Before you do anything."

John Stott said– “The Christian landscape is strewn with the wreckage of derelict, half-built towers - the ruins of those who began to build and were unable to finish. For thousands of people still ignore Christ's warning and undertake to follow him without first pausing to reflect on the cost of doing so. The result is the great scandal of Christendom today, so-called 'nominal Christianity'. In countries to which Christian civilization has spread, large numbers of people have covered themselves with a decent, but thin, veneer of Christianity. They have allowed themselves to become somewhat involved; enough to be respectable but not enough to be uncomfortable. Their religion is a great, soft cushion. It protects them from the hard unpleasantness of life, while changing its place and shape to suit the convenience. no wonder the cynics speak of hypocrites in the church and dismiss religion as escapism."

A while back a friend of mine and I shared thoughts on this. Counting the cost. We both agreed that as we were young when we first encountered Jesus, neither of us knew there was a cost, much less measured the greatness of it. Were we gypped? But we wholeheartedly believe that Christ is alive inside us, hmm. Have we really just now started to see the picture? Over all these years?

We also both agreed that this is a journey that is going to look extremely different for the both of us. And for everyone and anyone else who takes it also. A journey of getting on our knees and burying our faces into the ground. A journey filled with the greatest joy on the face of this earth. And a journey beginning first with rediscovering the depth of the love and cherish that the God of this universe has for us. His masterpiece.

He does not waste anything. Ever. As you embark on this journey too, let's remember that we are where we are right now for a reason. Let's walk in it.

May 27, 2010

Sad Day

Christmas music is ringing from my laptop and I just cannot find it in me to turn it off...
(for those of you who know me, this should NEVER be an issue!)

Sad Day.

May 26, 2010

The Rocky Syndrome

"Can I be healed from the need of being my own Savior?
 I can't save myself anymore, I need to cling to Jesus."

THIS is where THE HEALING BEGINS -- watch this short video.

There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground

When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us


Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective (James 5:13-16).

May 24, 2010

MMMMMM :)

Holy buckets. This. Is. Incredible.

Hello, I'm In Delaware

May 23, 2010

Confusion, Chaos and Pain

I'm not sure these lyrics could be any more fitting to where I am at right now. You are mending my broken heart, I feel it.

Times.
I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My power alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."


Look Deep

BELOVED
(this original version is insanely gorgeous OR here is the cd version)
Love of my life,
Look deep in my eyes,
There you will find what you need.

Quit chasing lovers that won't satisfy. Oh, come running home to me.

I'm Romeo...

I feel Your grip strengthening me. When I drink Your love, You sustain me.

Desire burning in my mind
Like a firefly lighting up the sky
My heart is aglow
I feel you burning up my soul
I'm a shipwreck a sailor lost at sea
You're a tidal wave
And you're crashing over me
Caught in your current and i'm sinking
But drowning peacefully
 

I'm crying out come rescue me with love
Like a child needs a night light in the dark
Lord light me up i'm lovesick for

Just one touch
You're all I need
But you never seem to be enough
 

I'm romeo desperate for your love
I'd scale these garden walls 
Just to see the rising sun
But see what light breaks softly through
It's love that i never knew 

- Lovesick by Tenth Avenue North

Don't Walk Away

Man oh man, my heart is heavy. I am sitting here in San Antonio, Texas. It is great here, and I know I am supposed to be here, but (why does there always seem to be a but?) something isn't right. I've been doing a lot of reading since I've been here, but I fear that it has replaced the life that comes from God's Word. Plus, I have only picked up my guitar twice in the past week. I hate that. So much. 

These Shawn McDonald lyrics to "Don't Walk Away" gave me something to think about. 

When I look at you, I see you filling your life with all that you can find
Hoping and wishing this world can bring you
A little peace of mind
Well, stop looking, 'cause He's right in front of your eyes
'Cause He will never give up on you today
No, don't walk away
'Cause He'll never let you go

God, I need strength that can only come through Your Spirit. Lover, you have never given up on me and you douse me in Your unfailing love and strength constantly. You are so gracious and patient, Lord. I am sorry for my laziness. Abba, cause my heart to sync with the passions of Yours, and fan them into flame, God. This is my desire. More of You, less of me. Please bind up these feelings of anxiety, doubt and insecurity that Satan is trying to trap me with. You are God, and You are mighty. Thank You for Your son, Jesus, and the power You have given me through His holy name. I love you.

Wouldn't Ya Know

Today was my first Sunday at River City :) but more to come on that later.

Short story for kicks...

Melissa and Franklin had to stay for the afternoon to work on some VBS things, so my host dad Paul took me out for Chinese food. After we got back I took a few pics of our friendly deer just chilling in the front yard, and then went potty. I quickly checked my email, then walked back out into the hallway (remember, this all happened in a matter of minutes), and wouldn't ya know... Paul was sprawled out on the recliner, snoring. He was completely OUT! I almost started dying right then and there. I guess it's a good thing I didn't... that could have been embarrassing for him.

I can't help but feel like this is amazing. And cute. In fact, super cute :)



And here's my summer home.


We get lots of shade, at least!


May 20, 2010

Wait... Where Am I "Fixin' To?"

I just got done having an almost-two-hour-long conversation with my host mom, Melissa, about forgiveness, learning to not take offense, and letting go. She is full of wisdom, and I am blessed. We have a lot more in common that I could have imagined, and she said it is her joy to have me as part of her family here for this season in her life. Wow.

Sorry for being a slacker and just posting this now, but I made it to Texas alive and in one piece :) That's always a good thing. My host family here is incredible. At first, I was nervous, because I've not known what it is like to fit into a family scene after my grandpa died, but they are great. I have a mom and dad, and a little brother in the 6th grade with autism. His name is Franklin -- such a cutie :) I got here on Tuesday afternoon, and it was his birthday, so after an incredible dinner by Melissa, we went bowling. Don't ask me how this happened, cuz I have no clue, but I scored a 159!

No one here knows what a bubbler is (Nick thought it was a toilet), and the only cheese curds anyone has heard of are the fried ones at Culver's. Definitely missing out! I constantly get teased for the way I say "bag" and "flag", and just opening my mouth is a clear give-away that I am from Wisconsin. So far I have learned that dead armadillo's are considered speed bumps, and no one ever goes anywhere -- they fix to wherever the place is :) So... after dinner tonight, I was fixin' my way to my bedroom to write a blog and read some chapters.

Speaking of reading, I have been given two books to dive into-- The Root of the Righteous by A.W. Tozer and Holy Discontent by Bill Hybels. They look promising.

I absolutely love the church I am working with down here. Solid place, solid people, solid vision. Last night was my first night meeting the youth, and I was able to make some connections with a few girls that I felt plled to. Aaron (overseeing the interns) and Nick (the youth pastor) are going to have me lead a discipleship group with several of the high school girls (emphasis on the juniors). One girl in particular, Chrissy, is from Haiti and has only been in the states for around a year. She is stunningly beautiful, and started opening up to me right away. I pray for growth, and that she would come back, as it was her first time at youth group.

The game last night was kickball! The bases were loaded, there was a lovely warm breeze, it was my turn..... annnnd.... I definitely was not the force behind any point-gain-age for my team. Fail :) Something funny, though,  is that one of my friend's from Bethel stayed with my current host family last summer, and he loved to wrestle with Franklin. Last night as we were playing kickball at the youth group, Franklin was pretty nervous, and so I told him to think of the ball as Shane's head.... and guess what?! He got a home run! Apparently it worked, haha!!!

As of right now, some of the things that I know I'll be involved with and doing this summer are (but not limited to):
-working with the homeless outreach team
-making coffee runs to the kitchen with Nick and messing with Aaron
-event planning
-leading worship for the youth services
-reading crazy awesome books
-leading a discipleship group of high school girls
-meeting with Josh (one of the worship leaders and Bethel graduate) once a week and working on acoustic guitar
-regular tubing down river adventures
-fast food friday's
-regular "backyard service and outreach"
-wednedsay night youth group
-making the youth blog my baby
-other media work (renovating website, facebook group, promoting)
-leading messages
-attending all three Sunday services (one regular, two youth)
-chilling with my awesome host family (lots of tanning at the pool...)

I could probably keep going, but this is good for now. The weather is super nice here -- extremely humid, but better than the 40 degrees I came from on Monday morning. It's been kind of tiring though, and I think it's been affecting my sinuses.

Thank you for all your prayers, and for continued prayer. Much love and great peace to you.

Only Moving Forward

Check this out: Just A Little While Longer
"Never going back, only moving forward. My soul sings, Jesus."
Let this song move in you. Holy Spirit, move now. Oh, how I love you.

All I want is just to know your heart, and would you keep me near until we're one. Just a little while longer and I'll see you, just a little while longer and I'll know you, just a little while longer and we'll be together. My soul sings, my soul sings, my soul sings, how I love you.

May 17, 2010

From Southern Twangs To Counting Dead Armadillo's

I'm sitting in our hotel room right now :)

Julia and I made it to Tulsa, Oklahoma for the night, and we are heading out to San Antonio at 6:30am after our free continental breakfast tomorrow morning! Haha. We made it here in 12 hours today, and didn't eat anything but a cookie from 6am until dinner, so we were really hungry. We ended up eating at this local hole-in-the-wall place called 5-Diner -- it was good, not to mention adorable! It was quite obvious to us that we chose to dine in at the local "old folks" restaurant of choice, as one by one they kept rolling in ordering the special of the night -- meatloaf. Personally, ewe, haha, but it was heart-warming to see their connections with that workers there.

One of my friends I just recently was talking with asked me if Julia and I played any car games. I responded with, "nahh. we talked. and listened to music. and i slept. haha." That's the truth :) From already being able to hear the southern twangs when people talk, to counting the number of dead armadillo's on the sides of roads, to seeing people driving with cowboy hats on, it has been a ton of fun!

Stay tuned in for plenty more updates and some crazy awesome pictures coming your way.

Oh, and I almost forgot. I found out who my host family is going to be. I have a mom, a dad, and a little brother in the 6th grade named Franklin -- cute!! :)

May 16, 2010

"I Just Don't Belong"

I've been listening to some Enya lately. Extremely soothing. My favorite song is Only Time.

Time. Wow. That has been such a loaded word for me lately.This might sound depressing and selfish. Let's see how it goes.

These past two weeks of being home straight after my first year of college, and right before I embark on my crazy adventure to Texas this summer, I just haven't been able to get the thought out of my mind that I just don't belong here.

As a child of the Most High and bride of the Beloved, is that not what we're supposed to feel? An intense longing and unsatisfactory feeling of not belonging, because truth is, we're not home yet. There are times, such as right now, when I desire to be "home" so badly, to the point where it occasionally hurts, but it isn't time. It isn't my time. God has more here. For more. It's all for His Kingdom's sake.

It's crazy how so much change can occur in someone in such a short amount of time, and then at least for me, returning to the place on earth that I call home seems so ordinary. No one here has experienced the transformation I have, or seen the things I have seen over the past year. And the things that have changed here, I haven't been present for them either. So there is this huge disconnectedness. Hmpf. That's the selfish part, all "I-I-I". Now what? 

Karleen was sharing with me the other night about how, she too has felt this same way. In fact, it has led to feelings and an urgency to almost need to "catch people up" and get them up to speed on the goings-on and happenings in our own lives. She hit it dead on. But it's so easy to forget to breathe. She encouraged me to remember that God brings everyone through different journey's, and reveals things to each of His dear children at different times. Again, this whole time idea. And that it's okay. Hmm.

Back to the whole feeling like I don't belong here. That could also be translated to read: I just don't want to be here. Wow, talk about the truth not sounding like "the right answer". See, selfish, selfish, selfish. How do I get out of this rut? There I go again, ahhhh all the "I-I-I's". Man, oh man. It's a battle inside of me. Lord, You are good. You give your children holy eyes. Thank you. Help me. Through the change, and all my "feelings", You are good. And constant. I can't help but feel as if I left my heart in Indiana. God, I praise You, because as one of my friends shared, it serves as a huge compliment to the relationships you have given me there, but at the same time I do not want this to become a hindrance or a distraction. Your grace keeps me breathing, Abba. Please help me be fully present wherever the "now" is that you've placed me. For my last night in Wisconsin, to living with my host family in Texas, to moving back in to Bethel in August. Yes, Lord. It's in You that I trust, for You are good. In Jesus' name, Amen.

May 9, 2010

All For Your Kingdom's Sake

Take a look at Epic's journey so far at Meadow's Edge and since our public launch on March 7th.
Click on the logo below for a short video.

Seeking first His Kingdom!


 

May 6, 2010

Deep Down

I'm very tired, irritable and lonely. I'm just feeling very depressed -- I guess this is it -- I'm either going to make it out there or I'm not. Not making it is not an option for me! It's so hard learning to like myself after all I've put you through. Will you help me to meet this goal of mine? I see this "problem area" as my most significant, high risk, and destructive thinking pattern of mine. I try to defeat my negative thinking with positive thinking, but I often believe that I'm not worthy as a son, father or person because of my failures and shortcomings. I'm so disgusted with who and what I've become in life that it's almost become second nature for me to believe I'll never amount to anything and that nearly no one cares. I wish I could talk to others in our family so I could develop some sort of familial networking system to help me help myself to increase my chances of making it on the outside. I've rarely openly written or spoken how I feel on the inside because of fear of being rejected and abandoned. The shame, guilt, hurt or pain that I've brought on myself by my behaviors, actions and inactions has grown to the point that I feel their unforgivable and relentlessly haunt my everyday life. Please forgive me for all of the stress, fear, hurt, pain and mental anguish I've caused you. You didn't deserve any of it and I'm working on myself to become and remain a better son, father and individual. I know I can't change the past, but am willing to do whatever it takes to change from this point forward. I never intended for any of this to happen the way it did and more fully understand and appreciate how one's actions can affect others for many years to come. I refuse to give up and believe God has a wonderful plan for me to give back to the community and restore healthy family relationships. I ask of you for help and faith through prayer and supplication for this to become a reality. Thank you for everything, especially the undeterred faith and hope that I'll change for the better. If it wasn't for your love for me, I don't know if I would be here today.

This is part of a letter that I received from my dad today. If you happen to read this, please pray for me and my family. I have a lot to pray, think, cry and reflect about. God's been intensely working on this forgiveness thing in me for a while now. I've been journeying up and down with Him in this arena since about the fall when I moved to Indiana. I feel like the things I say aren't what I really mean, and even my thoughts just don't match up with how I feel. But is it really about how i feel? Ahh I don't know. I know that I love my dad. Deep down -- it's just so hard to look at him. Gosh. I have so much pride.

Jesus, I want your eyes. I want your heart. I want your love, grace and patience. Thank you for your love, grace and patience toward me always, God. Wow. You stun me. How can I keep this to myself? How can I want this for everyone but my own father? Please help me, God. It's in You -- that I trust.