There's been a lot. Like, a whole lotta lot.
And I hardly even know where to begin.
Two years.
Two August's ago.
So, like now.
Life was looking pretty nomadic for this gal, and I was the furthest from mad about it. Prided on surviving for months on bananas, potatoes and eggs, and having avoided a consistent and comfortable mattress to sleep on for seven years -- sleeping bags, cots, air mattresses and foam pads seemed to be doing the trick.
Midwestern girl hadn't taken too long to adjust to the Cali culture (NorCal to be clear), and content I thought I twas. Until the end of my first year, and then I began to dialogue with Jesus about my next steps. I had finally "made it" so surely I wasn't going to be going anywhere. Opportunites looked bright and so did my tan.
Sparing details, my options became to either remain in Redding or return to square one, so to speak. Wisconsin. As much as everything in me seemed to fight it, I knew I had a choice & without any reason that I could muster up, I knew that my heart was turning toward family for the first time ever in my life. The biological kind, where you literally share blood & they still feed you food after blowing up at them the day before. I recognized within me a desire to be near... family. And that meant Wisconsin. So off I went.
As much as I knew it was my choice & that I made it confidently, that didn't mean that I didn't fight it incessantly for the first 12 months.
And at the first seven signs of resistance, I tried to run. A plane ticket to Seattle was purchased, paired with a complete job application.
Upon immediate return, Wisconsin taught me that I wasn't above sweeping and mopping floors.
Then I fell in love with the snobbiest of coffee cultures & found a new hobby of underground latte art competetitions. Even won a trophy at said Christmas staff party.
Also dabbled in a profession where I was cussed out every other sentence for about a year working for a juvenile correctional facility. That was fun. But I learned an absolute ton about life & had my eyes opened in more new ways than I could count.
No regrets. Lots of searching, striving, unsettled nights & tears in the process, however.
Even just a couple months ago I was making strides toward moving into the north side of Milwaukee. Having been part of the Garden City community for going on two years now & with a heart for the city, that meant a move was in order. Location can be everything. At one time I even had three living options that were all open doors to me & I was moving forward with one specifically in an underresourced neighborhood. And then bam. Door closed. Needless to say there's been a bit of wrestling through that.
Something new, yet not so new has been surfacing.
I'm recognizing a release within my heart. Oddly enough for the first time ever in my life I'm genuinely content with where I am, and I'm not looking to leave. I believe God is granting me a renewed love for the Lake Country region, with all of its lovely imperfections - which were a majority of the reasons I left in the first place. Doesn't that sound just about right? The idea that where you live is where you minister/where you minister is where you live has been a value of mine for years, so with that I'm asking Jesus to reveal how he is at work and moving within the church communities in my own backyard. It's an exciting journey.
Community & purpose is also looking a whole lot different than what I could have ever imagined two years ago. Last December I began working for a couple, actually from Garden City. And this possibly, has been the most significant game changer. Words cannot express how absolutely honored I am to have Dr. Matt & Jen Frahm in my life, and the incredible honor of mine it is to serve them & serve alongside them and the overall mission of Max Health. I actually cried on the way home from my review the other day because of how incredibly valued they made me feel. Practically and very tangibly, yes, but also you know how incredibly (how many times can I say incredibly in the same thought!?) powerful and moving it is when you have someone in your life (within close proximity on a daily basis) who believes in you, and who tells you that? Yeah, that happened.
All things considered, been feeling emotional lately. Because many things. I'm Casey & I cry at commercials. But also & mostly I've been super blown away at recognizing God's great faithfulness to me, even in ways I don't understand or expect. Been feeling very valued, honored & known lately, which wrecks me when I think about it too hard.
So now. Three living arrangments later and on the fifth job I find myself... in no rush; in no search.
Convinced more than ever that the ever-lasting & never-ending pursuit of answers & ultimate clarification isn't just not the point, it kinda pretty much entirely misses the whole thing.
It's not, Where am I going? For what? And who's there?
Rather I'm learning to entertain --
What does it mean for me to be fully present right where I find myself? Today, today. And tomorrow, tomorrow.
And how do I give myself full permission to fully be me, right now? Today, today. And tomorrow, tomorrow.
And how can I even begin to know where I'm headed if I'm unable to even know where I am?
Destination arrival isn't the enemy, but it isn't the goal, either.
Pressure's off.
Life is better this way.
I'm reading this book called the Naked Now by Richard Rohr.
& it's blowing my mind.
I will leave with this,
True spirituality is not a search for perfection or control or the door to the next world; it is a search for divine union NOW. The great discovery is always that what we are searching for has already been given! I did not find it; it found me.
Oh, and I may have also roamed around Israel & Jordan for 17 days in June. Hiked 150 miles & completely wrecked my biblical paradigm in just two weeks. Ask me about that some other time.
:)
