"I Just Don't Belong"

I've been listening to some Enya lately. Extremely soothing. My favorite song is Only Time.

Time. Wow. That has been such a loaded word for me lately.This might sound depressing and selfish. Let's see how it goes.

These past two weeks of being home straight after my first year of college, and right before I embark on my crazy adventure to Texas this summer, I just haven't been able to get the thought out of my mind that I just don't belong here.

As a child of the Most High and bride of the Beloved, is that not what we're supposed to feel? An intense longing and unsatisfactory feeling of not belonging, because truth is, we're not home yet. There are times, such as right now, when I desire to be "home" so badly, to the point where it occasionally hurts, but it isn't time. It isn't my time. God has more here. For more. It's all for His Kingdom's sake.

It's crazy how so much change can occur in someone in such a short amount of time, and then at least for me, returning to the place on earth that I call home seems so ordinary. No one here has experienced the transformation I have, or seen the things I have seen over the past year. And the things that have changed here, I haven't been present for them either. So there is this huge disconnectedness. Hmpf. That's the selfish part, all "I-I-I". Now what? 

Karleen was sharing with me the other night about how, she too has felt this same way. In fact, it has led to feelings and an urgency to almost need to "catch people up" and get them up to speed on the goings-on and happenings in our own lives. She hit it dead on. But it's so easy to forget to breathe. She encouraged me to remember that God brings everyone through different journey's, and reveals things to each of His dear children at different times. Again, this whole time idea. And that it's okay. Hmm.

Back to the whole feeling like I don't belong here. That could also be translated to read: I just don't want to be here. Wow, talk about the truth not sounding like "the right answer". See, selfish, selfish, selfish. How do I get out of this rut? There I go again, ahhhh all the "I-I-I's". Man, oh man. It's a battle inside of me. Lord, You are good. You give your children holy eyes. Thank you. Help me. Through the change, and all my "feelings", You are good. And constant. I can't help but feel as if I left my heart in Indiana. God, I praise You, because as one of my friends shared, it serves as a huge compliment to the relationships you have given me there, but at the same time I do not want this to become a hindrance or a distraction. Your grace keeps me breathing, Abba. Please help me be fully present wherever the "now" is that you've placed me. For my last night in Wisconsin, to living with my host family in Texas, to moving back in to Bethel in August. Yes, Lord. It's in You that I trust, for You are good. In Jesus' name, Amen.