Do Not Exit...

God's gift is not the EXIT but the EXPERIENCE.

The Little Things

Last day of classes. 
Decided to skip chapel.
Met a friend for morning Starbucks. 

As I rolled into good 'ole Bucks this fine chilly morning, I was greeted with, "We just made a peppermint white chocolate mocha by mistake... would you like it?" 

Ahh! Little did they know it's my favorite drink.

It truly is the little things. 

Strain

I'm trying to listen.
Feel the pause, the silence.
I know I need to listen.
Take a break
and Question.
Calm.
Captive.
The beat.
What are you saying?

Wait.
Be patient.

Please be gracious.

'Cuz Lover's Dance...

Do you hear that, love?
The room's hush, hush and now it's our moment.

Perhaps it's the best time.

11 days until finals week. 6 more days of classes. Piles and piles of papers and assignments, and all I want to do is write. I haven't had this desire to pour out my heart through words in years, and I'm not really sure I know what to make of it.

Perhaps my fuel to write comes from strong emotions; that seems to make sense.
And there's a lot of change that's affected my life this semester, with much more just right around the corner.

I feel dry.
I feel full.
I feel weak.
I need strength.
He is good.

Did I mention I have piles and piles of papers and assignments screaming for my attention, and rightfully so? In the midst of this among several other things, my heart and mind and body is being challenged to rest. Sabbath. To take a break. Smile. Breathe. Enjoy.

God, what are you doing? Teaching me about rest? Can't that wait just a few more weeks? This is not a good time! 

Write a poem. Learn a new song. Go for a bike ride. Lay on my back in complete silence and clear my mind. Read a book. An article that sparks my interest. Spin around outside under the moonlight. Grab a coffee with a friend. Go to bed early.  

Perhaps it's the best time.

Reminiscing - Value of Life

I've just been reminiscing. While reading through old journals and notes, I came across an old poem that I wrote during the summer right before my senior year of high school. Over four years ago. I am struck by the passion and life that my words are rooted in. And I am struck with God's goodness. Abba, thank You for keeping me, Your daughter. You are good. I don't want to live a reminiscent life, only pressing into past passions, but Lord, fan the flame within me. Would you take me new depths of Your love today? Would you teach me to serve Your beloved creations today? My desire is that my heart and soul and mind would submit to You. Thank you for the past four years of life you've given me. Such a treasure, and I'm sorry for the times I take it for granted. 

Here's the background to the poem: While I was at Lifest this past week, God really held me in His arms and pressed into me the value of life. The value within every breath. The value of lasting friendships and worthwhile relationships. I love the Lord, my God with all of who I am, and He has given me a burning passion for people. More specifically, for my generation of broken, hurting, seeking, desperate and confused people. There is way more hurt and pain in this world than there should be, more than most anyone could ever imagine.
Here, I wrote a poem displaying my yearning for some of these issues near and dear to my heart. Here it goes.

VALUE OF LIFE

Am I blind? Why can't I see
All the pain and fear surrounding me?

Daddy's gone, mama just said "bye",
She's on the corner wearing scraps, catching eyes.
Big bro's tagging houses, making enemies with his fists,
Little sis don't like who she is, makes marks on her wrists.

Am I blind? Why can't I see
All this pain and fear surrounding me?

Always stuck in the middle, feeling so alone,
Just can't escape this, no one answers their phone.
This fog keeps on only getting thicker,
Oh, how I wish I could only put my finger on that trigger.

Am I blind? Why can't I see
All this pain and fear surrounding me?

Always a disappointment, never doing anything right.
Parents filing for a divorce, all they do is fight.
The needles take me away from this, can't you see,
Along with the images on my computer screen.

Am I blind? Why can't I see
All this pain and fear surrounding me?

Not blind, I can finally see,
This disillusionment is not just on TV.
It's reality, a reason to love,
Until you take me in your hands,
Leading me to safety beyond your clouds above.

Next time you feel the lies pressing deeply within you,
Don't forget how your Father made you with value.
Your eyes hold a beauty beyond words, a yearning to be free,
So, lift up your hands, surrender to your knees.
With tears rolling down your face, cleansing your scars,
you look up to the stars,
confessing,
'Jesus is Lord. He died for me. I am Yours.'

For we were once blind, but now can see.
Thanks and praise to our Maker,
He died for you and He died for me.

Amen.

A Wrinkle.

As I'm staring at this massive list of papers and assignments that need to get done tonight, all of a sudden I become overwhelmed with a sense that I need to write and feeling like a poem is in order. I'm like whaaaaat. I haven't written in ages, and why now!?! So I get on this thing about wrinkles. It’s like the most random thing, but earlier today I heard someone mention that they have an “interesting wrinkle” in their life; relationally speaking, and it got me thinking like crazy. That was several hours ago and it wouldn’t let me be, so I just started writing.

A wrinkle.
Imperfection.
A fluke.

Some say they can be ironed out,
Undone.

Creases and furrows,
We let them stay.
Not worth the effort.

Laziness.
Selfish.
In time, they meddle,
Steal away affection.

Our hearts start to rust.

We are dust.
We are fragile.
We do not last.

Potential is held
Within a story.
One that’s been;
One yet to come.

A wrinkle.
---
One of my friends shared with me while I was writing this, that "Wrinkles are one of the outward signs of aging. They are a sign that our bodies will not last forever, but will eventually pass from this world. They also may redefine beauty. Many in our culture believe that wrinkles make people more ugly, in which case, they are the sign that beauty is passing away. But in fact maybe there is a different story that wrinkles tell. Maybe wrinkles teach us that the outward appearance of a person is shallow and passes with the blink of an eye in comparison to the beauty that ones heart has the potential to possess. And this beauty can be preserved for an eternity."

Social Action meets Evangelism

Thoughts from my International Issues in Ministry class with Dr. Kent Eby. Some of the following statements are inspired by or direct quotes from Dr. Elmore. 

Openness: Vulnerability: Opposite of judgmental: Flexibility -- the ability to invite people into your space and make them feel welcome

Acceptance: Invitation: Warm welcome: Identifying with: Not agreement -- the ability to communicate value, regard, respect, and worth to others

Trust: Vulnerable: Two-way: Safety: Lean into -- the ability to eliminate barriers in such a way that others can develop belief in your reliability, truthfulness, ability, and strength as a person (building consistency)

Humility: to Serve: Absence of pride, but not to the point of low self-esteem -- not thinking less about yourself, but thinking about yourself less (Rick Warren)

Compassion: Mercy: Action: Heart-driven -- not lifting people out of their situation to be more like you, but rather leaving your situation and stepping into their world to walk alongside them. We are called INTO it to ENGAGE. Often times our desire to help someone through meeting outward needs is rooted in the motive of helping them to become more us. Compassion: A Reflection on the Christian Life is in Dr. Eby's "Top 5" life-impacting books he's ever read.

Sacrifices as Situations of Protection

Well, hello there. Here goes my attempt at making sense of all the many thoughts racing through my mind. Bear with me; it may not be the most smooth thing ever. 

Writing this blog post, I sit on a couch in my new living room. It's rather comfy, too, I might add. New living room, you might say? Why, yes. Let me give you a mini life update, as it's been ages since I've written on here. Starting a little over 13 weeks ago, I participated in a summer internship down in Nappanee, Indiana. There were eight total interns (myself included), and my area of focus was Student Ministries. If you're interested, you can check out a video of all the interns' closing insights and remarks. Click here -- this was shown at our final luncheon. Okay, back to this comfy couch. 11 days ago I loaded up my car down in good 'ole Amish-land, and headed up to South Bend. For the duration of this next school year (my SENIOR year!), I am living in an under-resourced and diverse community in a house with three other Bethel girls. Together (with a guy house as well), we will be plugged into various areas within the neighborhood (church, youth group, mentoring, tutoring, getting to know and investing into neighbors, etc.). All that said, I've just been "on vacation" so-to-speak for the past 10 days, and hopefully for a few more days before school starts. And let me tell you I've had a ton of time to just rest, be with friends, get to know new people, learn some new boundaries, have awesome, exhilarating conversations, AND read a ton. 

There is a lot on my mind. Where to start?

It's been a common theme in my life that God often does a work in my heart during times of transition. 

I went to Epic the other day, and the second I stepped foot into that place the waterworks just exploded from my face. It was unbelievable, and during the musical worship set after Jeremy's message I went into the prayer room and had Katie Weakland pray with me -- I was seriously a basket-case. God really is doing a work on me and in me. It's not the most comfortable, but I know He's drawing me closer to Him and chiseling away. Over the summer, my supervisor Derry shared with me an image he saw when he was praying for me one day. It was an open field with a bunch of pillars standing in it. The pillars represented things in my life that I've built up on my own. And he saw them being knocked down. Responding to that, another man shared, "Don't be discouraged during the deconstruction; it's something that has to happen, so that you can be constructed well." That seriously hit me so hard, and I can definitely feel it. 

I've been wrestling with a lot of fear linked to my new living arrangements for the year. Ranging all the way from fear of friendships not being the same to fear of my car breaking down somewhere unfamiliar to financial fear. Fear, fear, fear. It's exhausting to say the least. In talking with others about my decision to live here, often the element of sacrifice comes up, and it's just unsettling to me. At first glance, it makes sense. Sure, you could say that I'm sacrificing convenience and comfort, and perhaps a few other things as well, and boy, that sure makes me holy! Why is it that some people's "sacrifices" seem more holy than others, while they are being equally as obedient to Christ in their specific season in life? Let me offer a new perspective that someone challenged me with the other day.

I had the privilege of talking with a friend from California the other day, and it was incredibly encouraging and challenging. She gave me a strong word, not to be taken as punishment or condemnation, but as protection. Often times there are things in our lives that we might think we're "sacrificing." Anything come to mind for you? I was challenged to think of these sacrifices as situations of God's protection, instead (less emphasis on myself, perhaps). We think we're sacrificing something, because it may not be our preference or it may be uncomfortable, and we feel like we're entitled to something else, more comfortable, perhaps "better." And since we don't get what we feel we're owed or are entitled to, then "Oh, this is a huge sacrifice!" How easily our feeling of "this is my sacrifice" can come from a root of entitlement. Make sense? REALLY interesting and SO true. As Americans, yes. Definitely as Christians. I see it in me. And we're the ones who are supposed to be taking (choosing with joy) the lower seat. The ones serving and bowing down. It's such a basic and powerful leadership tool, aspect, principle, etc. The higher we go up, the lower we must go. And choose it. With joy. I am  so thankful that she didn't just sink down to ignoring the truth and tell me what I would rather hear, instead she chose to sharpen. 

Making it more personal in my life, I know that I need to see these perceived sacrifices (of me living in a new community), as God's protection. Specifically, of Him protecting me from complacency and comfort and placing my identity and value in other people and my close friendships, instead of being utterly dependent upon Him. 

I came across a question the other day as I was going through some old notes, and it just stopped me in my tracks. I'm still meditating on it. May it challenge you as well -- How far will you let me go in my extravagant obedience?

Now, before I go, let me leave you with some additional thoughts. They don't necessarily relate at all to what I just shared, or they might. They're mostly just things that I've encountered or have been pondering during the last few days. If you'd like to start a dialogue, I welcome your thoughts :)

"Tenderizing in my spirit happens through fasting. We do not fast to motivate God to love us, but to receive the affection that He already has for us – it is not to move His heart, but ours."

"He created us to enjoy physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual pleasures. Devil counterfeits each one. We were created to crave it. Just repent of pursuing it in the wrong way. Psalm. 16:11 (NIV) says, 'You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.'"

"Diligence is 'the constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken with persistent exertion.' Diligence includes zeal to invest our energy and time in serving, taking risks, and developing our God-given skills. It is important to serve with diligence and with a happy spirit. The mark of a good leader is humility and godly character, even more than skill. Proverbs 12:24; 27 (NLT) says, 'Work hard and become a leader (diligent hands will rule - NIV); be lazy and become a slave ... Lazy people don’t even cook the game they catch, but the diligent make use of everything they find.'"

"Whatever you focus your mind on, you open your spirit to."

"We seem to harbor near complete suspicion of the power and allure of the opposite sex. Others could be a danger to our purity, so we treat all interaction between men and women with suspicion, including what otherwise would be healthy gender-affirming touch. Men and women alike wither without the frequent pure embrace of a brother or sister in Christ. Of course, some caution is warranted, as we have too often used the women in our lives, particularly through the lustful gaze. Yet, is there really no hope for the redemption of healthy relationships between the sexes?"

"Beware of well meaning intentions that water down the power of the narrow way. They talk out and try to question: why so intense? Why this much? The narrow gate is difficult and confined, but it leads to life. How low can you go?"

"Do your best to not try so hard to figure out what He's doing in you & how you feel about it ... instead, throw yourself into worshiping & loving & LIVING day by day, and allow Him to take care of the rest."

We're SOARing...

Abba, continue to mold, shape and break us. 

Do what You will.

"I'm ready now."

This photo was taken (courtesy of Terry Linhart) on SOAR's first official Sunday. 

Fickle Flesh

Trust. Yes. Wow. Two things I've been learning lately - trust and rest. Specifically, solitude. There are some things in my life at the moment that have come to an end. With leaving places and the trust thing -- It's like I hear Him saying to me: Casey, you've learned what I've had for you here in this place and community, and now it's time to take it with you over here.

One of my friends shared with me that she's: "In a place of growth, which is sometimes painful, but always good." -- SO TRUE. Well said.

Life's pace just keeps picking up. Where has the time gone - seriously? There are a couple things coming up that really excite me, and that I am anticipating much wresting and molding to accompany me through them. First, I actually moved in yesterday - I'm interning this summer at Nappanee Missionary Church through their internship program called SOAR. Official duties start tomorrow morning for 12 weeks. Following that and throughout next school year, I will be living in Keller Park (the UME through Bethel). I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but quite honestly, I'm not too concerned about it at the moment. Wise? Unwise? I've found this desire in me to be with our Abba. To rest and be molded through silence and solitude with Him. I want to learn and study and be discipled like crazy. I should probably become a nun.  But in all seriousness, this is the season that I find myself in. It's exciting and terrifying at the same time. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I serve a good God. What an adventure. 


Tomorrow will be a big day. My flesh is fickle. My God gives me strength. G'night. 

Deeper into Grace

I’ve been living for the past 11 days in a season of rest. It’s been such a beautiful and refreshing thing, which has included much reflecting and pondering about the past year of my life. What I’ve learned, how I’ve been molded and shaped – for the better and for worst. Praising God for the ups and downs, recognizing that the things I have learned and that have been forever added to my person, could not have come in any other shape, form, or timing.

As I think about it, and in a nutshell, this past year has been FULL of incredibly stretching experiences. Just thinking about it causes me to take a deep breath. So many things and people have pushed me in great ways, and because of that, in several ways, I will never be the same. God has been so full of grace in my life. God, thank you for being so gracious. And so gentle and patient with me, although it didn’t always feel like it.

Inspired by Karleen Hallock, I want to highlight a few memories from each month during my junior year at Bethel:

§  August:

o   I moved into Eby – my first house ever in Indiana. Because of RA training, I was all by myself for a week, and night one included no electricity with bright flashes of lightening and rumbling thunder. ‘Twas fun.

o   During move-in day, my roommates and I received a last-minute addition to our house. A Russian roommate. Nelya J

o   Spelunking underneath Eby with the freshman “cousin-boys”

§  September:

o   I learned that in California it is illegal to have a pet fish, because their freedom is restricted by living in a tank.

o   The best communicator I’ve ever witnessed in my life visited Bethel – Sy Rogers. He addresses topics concerning Sex and God, and from his own experience, specifically Homosexuality. My favorite quote from him is, “God would rather have you messy than not at all.”

o   Fall Break: Karleen and I road tripped out to good ‘ole Grabill and hung out with the Smitley’s and some of my favorite kiddos.

o   Was really stretched through the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend with my Growth Group at Epic.

§  October:

o   Read through the book Courageous Leadership by Bill Hybels with Karleen.

o   Had lunch dates with Carol Laidig discussing Revelation.

o   Supported my Grabill guys at the Leo Homecoming Football game with CourtChap. And drank the most amazing hot chocolate courtesy of Cathy Merz J

o   Tasted the best white chicken chili I’ve ever had in my life. Thanks Patricia!

§  November:

o   I got my first car. Keeping it classy with a ’93 toyota camry.

o   Was TOTALLY caught off guard when asked for my number by a pizza man while visiting Lisa in Huntington. It’s a fun story, ask me about it sometime.

o   Visited with my cousin Ryan for the first time at Panera in up-state New York while traveling with Sara and Jimi over Thanksgiving break.

§  December:

o   Really challenged by a few thoughts regarding integrity:

§  Acts 4?

§  You must care more about your friends than you do your relationship with them.

§  Oswald Chambers once shared the example: A woman propositioned him, asking for $100. He replied, what about $1. She said, “What kind of a woman do you think I am?” He said, “We’ve already established what type of a woman you are; now we’re just talking price.”

§  Went to the best and first Russian party of my life J Thank you, Nelya!

o   January

§  Spent 5 hours in a car with Matt, having an incredibly challenging conversation that pushed me in so many ways. Because of my time spent with Matt, I was much more driven and passionate throughout my Christian Apologetics class. It also pushed me into some frustration which drove me to pursue meeting with one of my professors to raise up a small group of females on Bethel’s campus who desire to grow intellectually in the areas of apologetics and evangelism. Chad Mesiter is incredible, to say the least. Highlight of my semester for sure!

§  Met Tyler and Talia Andrews from Luke 18 and Acts Church partnered with IHOP in KC, which exploded into such rich times of prayer and worship – uniting Bethel with the surrounding campuses of Notre Dame, IUSB and St. Mary’s.

§  The start of 12 weeks of Financial Peace…

o   February:

§  Started going on Treasure Hunts… ask me about it!

§  The movie Courageous came out – and I’m pretty sure I blew through a minimum of five boxes of tissue (no pun intended…).

§  ConVerge year two. I was a “Genius” but unfortunately not the greatest genius when it came to working the iPad.

§  Spring Break: road trip to northern CALI J Not to mention ate grilled elk steak and went swing dancing in Wyoming. This is a whole blog-post in and of itself.

o   March:

§  Desperation Band came to Bethel to host a night of intercession for our campus and community, as well as encouragement towards and personal testimonies regarding pursuing the face of Jesus.

§  JP Mooreland came to campus – huge for our philosophy department!

§  Dr. Linhart treated Court and me to Fiddler’s Heart in South Bend. One of my new favorites J

o   April:

§  Sent out Darrin’s package!!! HUGE prayers attached. Ask me about this if you want some encouragement.

§  Turned 21 J

§  Went Irish Dancing with Court and Steph in Milwaukee over Easter Break!

§  Keller Park worship nights started with Cam McDaniel and CJ Hock – uniting the local college campuses. So exciting! And in my future home community.

§  Hung out with Denise McKinney at the South Bend Chocolate Café.

§  Worked at ChickaFlicka for a day ;)

§  Went to a monastery and chatted with some monks for a day.  Learned that “A monk is like a pious housewife,” according to GuestMaster William.

§  MANY late nights during the last two weeks of the semester. Survived basically out of three things: many prayers, the OLDIFY app, and two side-kicks.

Right now I find myself in a season of ends. Epic church, community and worship involvement. RA-ing. Spiritual Life Director. Student Council. Student Development Committee. Choir. Living on-campus. Throughout my life, I’ve seen change as a way of God reminding me, “Casey, do not put your trust and dependency in these people, things or organizations.” Also, there are many good things and opportunities in the world. Sometimes you just need to say “no” to another good thing. Specifically with saying my goodbyes at Epic a few weeks ago, I was impressed with God saying to me, “You’ve learned what I’ve had for you here, and now it’s time for you to take that somewhere else.” I could barely hold myself together during the second worship set that I was especially thankful and honored to be a part of during my last Sunday, worshipping, “God, you give and you take away. Lord, blessed be Your name.” I know one thing for sure, I would not be who I am today side from the Epic community and the relationships that God so specifically set up for me there. Thankful just doesn’t seem to express it.

If you made it to the end of this post, congrats!!! I knew it was going to be a long one. And I really do hope to keep up with blogging throughout this summer interning at Nappanee Missionary Church. If you would, keep me in your prayers. I need them greatly. And I always welcome a message or email too – I’d love to hear from you and know how I can be praying specifically for the people in my life.

I will leave you with a thought. In a collection of Brother Lawrence’s writings, Practicing God’s Presence, it says…

It should be no surprise when we go through trouble, temptation, opposition, and denials from other people. Though it seems upside down, we should submit to that kind of grief, taking it on for our own good as long as God pleases. The higher and deeper we want to go with the LORD, the more we’ll need to depend on His grace.

Beautiful Beginnings

I am officially a college senior. Currently my house is a disaster-case; full of boxes and dust. This year packing has turned into a multi-day affair.

Enjoying my last days and hours with late nights and favorite people. Surely some stories and pictures to come.

I am blessed.

There's this season of ends; it's also called beautiful beginnings.

He is so worthy of our devotion.

Sons and Daughters Swaying to the Beat // Day One: Check

Well, it appears as if I haven't blogged in ages. My apologies.

Right now it's 8:30am, I had a pretty fantastic night of sleep (praise God for that), and I'm sitting next to a real, live (with actual flames!), nice and warm, fireplace. It's spring break. And I'm in California.

What a picturesque little moment, huh? You're right, it is, but I do assure you that the journey getting to the destination had a bit more of an edge to it. Mission Delirious, actually.

It all started Friday afternoon. Three college gals packed up one little honda to the brim, squeezed in, and then set off to Redding, CA. Destination for night one happened to be Kansas City. I happen to really enjoy KC, as I've been there several times, and I had even thought that this year was going to mark the first that I hadn't gone down to KC, as I had for the past two years being at Bethel. Guess not.

One of my friends, Tyler, offered us to stay with his parents who live just walking distance from the Prayer Room (through the International House of Prayer). When we had set off from Bethel earlier in the day, we had the idea in our heads that we'd be staying at Tyler's parents, but we still had not specific address or contact yet. And Tyler's phone was dead. About an hour and a half outside of KC, we received a call from Desiree, his mom, and were set for the night. It ended up being a great blessing, as they had three whole beds for each to us to have one! Wow. We also were able to spend some time in the Prayer Room both Friday night and Saturday morning.

Friday night was a special Hawaiian worship service. And it was awesome. "Your love's so high, high. Your love's so wide, wide. Your love's so long, long. Your love's so deep, deep." Dreadlocks. Chill music filled with Truth. Sons and daughters swaying to the beat.

What a blessing and an encouragement. Day one. Check.