I try to hide and then I wonder why
I’m still running when I know there’s no escaping.
Come undone, surrender is stronger
I don’t need to be the hero tonight.
We all want love we all want honor
Nobody wants to pay the asking price.
Hmmm, pretty true, huh? This is a great song -- really been enjoying it.
Check it out: Undone by FFH
June 30, 2010
June 20, 2010
B429 at Taco Cabana
Almost forgot... a few weeks ago I had the pleasure of selling merchandise at a concert. Have you ever heard of Building 429? Well, that's them. Check out their song "Always". It's a good one.
Anywho, the main singer Jason talked with us for a while, and we reminisced about a certain night a few summers ago when they were playing at a festival called Lifest in Wisconsin. There was this HUGE rainbow during their song "You Carried Me", which God totally spoke to me through, and so I was able to encourage him through that.
After packing everything up, Julia, Sarah and I decided to grab a bite at Taco Cabana -- so much better than Taco Bell. We debated going through the drive-thru, but there was live karaoke, which looked super entertaining. As we were walking in, we nearing ran into the band, and so long story short, we ended up eating at Taco Cabana with Building 429. Such a fun night, and a blessing out of the blue. God likes to do that, I've learned.
PS -- did I tell you we got their digits?
Anywho, the main singer Jason talked with us for a while, and we reminisced about a certain night a few summers ago when they were playing at a festival called Lifest in Wisconsin. There was this HUGE rainbow during their song "You Carried Me", which God totally spoke to me through, and so I was able to encourage him through that.
After packing everything up, Julia, Sarah and I decided to grab a bite at Taco Cabana -- so much better than Taco Bell. We debated going through the drive-thru, but there was live karaoke, which looked super entertaining. As we were walking in, we nearing ran into the band, and so long story short, we ended up eating at Taco Cabana with Building 429. Such a fun night, and a blessing out of the blue. God likes to do that, I've learned.
PS -- did I tell you we got their digits?
Sharp Rocks and Poisonous Snakes
Yesterday on behalf of my friend's 21st bday, a group of us went river tubing for SEVEN hours at the Guadalupe River. It was a ton of fun.
Pro: My tan doubled.
Con: My butt hurts, due to the sharp rocks under the rapids. You might be thinking, "Ouch!" And you are more than correct.
We were planning to set out around 1-2pm, but didn't actually until a little after 3. Add that to about six hours in the water, and you get = after dark. Okay, so I learned something yesterday. Please do not judge, and no laughing allowed. You see, still water mixed with dark equals snakes. And in Texas, poisonous snakes. The particular section of the river that we went tubed on, was the first for all of us, and it was much more still than any of us anticipated. Toward the end, we all tredded water for at least a good two or three hours (give or take a rapid here and there). Anyways, back to the point. The sun was seriously setting, it was getting cold, and there was about another two-three hundred feet or so. We had ten minutes... and made it just in the nick of time. Yessssssss.
Moral of story: I would definitely do it again.
Pro: My tan doubled.
Con: My butt hurts, due to the sharp rocks under the rapids. You might be thinking, "Ouch!" And you are more than correct.
We were planning to set out around 1-2pm, but didn't actually until a little after 3. Add that to about six hours in the water, and you get = after dark. Okay, so I learned something yesterday. Please do not judge, and no laughing allowed. You see, still water mixed with dark equals snakes. And in Texas, poisonous snakes. The particular section of the river that we went tubed on, was the first for all of us, and it was much more still than any of us anticipated. Toward the end, we all tredded water for at least a good two or three hours (give or take a rapid here and there). Anyways, back to the point. The sun was seriously setting, it was getting cold, and there was about another two-three hundred feet or so. We had ten minutes... and made it just in the nick of time. Yessssssss.
Moral of story: I would definitely do it again.
Obnoxious Nicknames, Great Food and HUGE News
Some of my greatest joys since being down here in Texas so far, have been connecting with new people who have the same goal and vision -- seeking first His Kingdom, and goofing off with new friends, which almost always includes great food.
This past Friday, the "terns" (obnoxious nickname for being an intern) went downtown for the first time with the homeless ministry. We set up tables and literally served each person (over 130 in count) a meal under a bridge in San Antonio down by the riverwalk. It was such a blessing, and it gave me a lot to think about. No worries, I will not bore you with the craziness that goes on in my head. I definitely look forward to becoming even more involved and connected with this. After that, we were treated to Five Guys and enjoyed getting to know some new friends. Wow, I am always in awe of the generosity of people.
Tomorrow, I am going to this thing called Royal Family Kids Camp. It's a camp for foster kids who are wards of the state (meaning that for them to be able to even attend the camp, they needed to get permission from their case worker and a judge, not to mention their foster homes). Someone had mentioned to me about a week ago, that they recommended me to help out with registration before the kids leave for camp, but that would be the extent. Nick came to Sarah and I two days ago and asked us what we had thought of the camp from what we have heard. We shared that we both liked it and it was alongside both of our interests. He said, "Good, cuz you're basically going!" Apparently three of their female counselor's dropped out at the last minute due to things that weren't preventable (losing a job, getting surgery and having their nanny get in an accident, so they couldn't watch their kids). So, A LOT has been happening with that (12 hours of training, along with a huge application, references, background checks, fingerprinting, etc), but I am SO excited.
The purpose of this camp is "to provide safety, fun, positive memories, and a positive role model for abused and neglected children within a context of Christian values; to press into service the skills that I have; to listen; to express genuine empathy and to love unconditionally without requiring anything in return for my investment." It is to treat the kids "royally". It costs over $700 for each camper and staff person, but it is all raised, so it is technically free. I will be gone from Monday through Saturday, and we are not allowed to use cell phones or cameras. Some of the kids have been taken away from their families, and so we can't risk any of them getting a hold of a phone and calling someone to come get them. That would be messy. And it's all for their and our protection. There are a lot of physical boundaries also, like not giving frontal hugs/give piggy backs/letting them sit on our laps, mainly to be sensitive to not trigger anything from previous abuse, and there has to be a lot of accountability. Like, for example, we cannot take anyone to the bathroom by ourselves, because if it's just me and a kid (without another adult), then the kid could say anything they wanted (accusing me), and I would have no one there to back me up. Does that make sense? It's all pretty intense, but I am so looking forward to it. It's a lot of work, and I already know it is so worth it. Please be a prayer warrior for me in this. I feel like this is going to be (and already is), one of those things where I come away more changed and more impacted than the kids themselves.
This past Friday, the "terns" (obnoxious nickname for being an intern) went downtown for the first time with the homeless ministry. We set up tables and literally served each person (over 130 in count) a meal under a bridge in San Antonio down by the riverwalk. It was such a blessing, and it gave me a lot to think about. No worries, I will not bore you with the craziness that goes on in my head. I definitely look forward to becoming even more involved and connected with this. After that, we were treated to Five Guys and enjoyed getting to know some new friends. Wow, I am always in awe of the generosity of people.
Tomorrow, I am going to this thing called Royal Family Kids Camp. It's a camp for foster kids who are wards of the state (meaning that for them to be able to even attend the camp, they needed to get permission from their case worker and a judge, not to mention their foster homes). Someone had mentioned to me about a week ago, that they recommended me to help out with registration before the kids leave for camp, but that would be the extent. Nick came to Sarah and I two days ago and asked us what we had thought of the camp from what we have heard. We shared that we both liked it and it was alongside both of our interests. He said, "Good, cuz you're basically going!" Apparently three of their female counselor's dropped out at the last minute due to things that weren't preventable (losing a job, getting surgery and having their nanny get in an accident, so they couldn't watch their kids). So, A LOT has been happening with that (12 hours of training, along with a huge application, references, background checks, fingerprinting, etc), but I am SO excited.
The purpose of this camp is "to provide safety, fun, positive memories, and a positive role model for abused and neglected children within a context of Christian values; to press into service the skills that I have; to listen; to express genuine empathy and to love unconditionally without requiring anything in return for my investment." It is to treat the kids "royally". It costs over $700 for each camper and staff person, but it is all raised, so it is technically free. I will be gone from Monday through Saturday, and we are not allowed to use cell phones or cameras. Some of the kids have been taken away from their families, and so we can't risk any of them getting a hold of a phone and calling someone to come get them. That would be messy. And it's all for their and our protection. There are a lot of physical boundaries also, like not giving frontal hugs/give piggy backs/letting them sit on our laps, mainly to be sensitive to not trigger anything from previous abuse, and there has to be a lot of accountability. Like, for example, we cannot take anyone to the bathroom by ourselves, because if it's just me and a kid (without another adult), then the kid could say anything they wanted (accusing me), and I would have no one there to back me up. Does that make sense? It's all pretty intense, but I am so looking forward to it. It's a lot of work, and I already know it is so worth it. Please be a prayer warrior for me in this. I feel like this is going to be (and already is), one of those things where I come away more changed and more impacted than the kids themselves.
Pet Turkeys?
About two weeks ago, Sarah and I were offered a house-sitting job for almost an entire week. IT WAS AMAZING!!
Check out this incredible view... just outstanding!
This was SUCH a treat :) I'm not sure we went a day without the jacuzzi... but sadly on the last day I dropped my phone in it and now it's toast. Luckily, it is all taken care of. I have my jank old phone from about four years ago, but it will do for the next couple of months.
They even have a hammock in their back yard. And a humungo grill. And they used to have pet turkeys.
This would be Sarah and I. Living the life.
Blessings Come In All Shapes and Sizes... Even Sleep Talking
I have been feeling rather blessed being here.
I still do miss Indiana very much, but I know that I will be back there soon. I have had a few people be intentional about getting to know me, and letting me know that if I ever need anything or anyone to talk to, that they are here for me. I feel so thankful. And I'm also super thankful that I've continued to be able to connect with Nick (the youth pastor, Aaron (overseeing the interns), Josh (acoustic guitar and worship), along with several others. I've really enjoyed working with Josh. Not only have we worked on technical skills, but he has shared with me that he wants to pass on some principles and thoughts also. Two things that he has shared so far are:
1) Do not see people for what they do, or what they can do for you, but for who they are. This is really applicable in so many settings, especially within the context of musical worship -- thinking of situations where you might let someone "get away with" more than someone who would be less skilled. Just thinking about scenarios like that.
2) Everyone is welcome here, but no one is welcome to stay unchanged. I like this one -- and this is where small groups, and accountability, etc come in.
Also, I'm pretty sure that since my last actual update, Sarah, one of the other interns, has actually moved in with me. We are roomies. And let's just say, we've been getting to know each other rather well, haha. I love waking up to a new story each morning of how I was talking in my sleep.
I still do miss Indiana very much, but I know that I will be back there soon. I have had a few people be intentional about getting to know me, and letting me know that if I ever need anything or anyone to talk to, that they are here for me. I feel so thankful. And I'm also super thankful that I've continued to be able to connect with Nick (the youth pastor, Aaron (overseeing the interns), Josh (acoustic guitar and worship), along with several others. I've really enjoyed working with Josh. Not only have we worked on technical skills, but he has shared with me that he wants to pass on some principles and thoughts also. Two things that he has shared so far are:
1) Do not see people for what they do, or what they can do for you, but for who they are. This is really applicable in so many settings, especially within the context of musical worship -- thinking of situations where you might let someone "get away with" more than someone who would be less skilled. Just thinking about scenarios like that.
2) Everyone is welcome here, but no one is welcome to stay unchanged. I like this one -- and this is where small groups, and accountability, etc come in.
Also, I'm pretty sure that since my last actual update, Sarah, one of the other interns, has actually moved in with me. We are roomies. And let's just say, we've been getting to know each other rather well, haha. I love waking up to a new story each morning of how I was talking in my sleep.
The Center, Source, Facilitator and Focus
As I was working on an outline for what it would look like and entail to start up and develop and musical worship team, I came across and added something that one of my friends shared with me about a year ago. Now, I want to share it with you.
“True worship is both simple and profound- you'll never stop learning, but you don't have to feel inadequate. I find it comforting that He WILL be worshiped... whether we take the time to do it or not. However, He can use any one of us to lead another to His throne, whether we feel like He can or not. That's what it boils down to- God is where it's at. His Spirit leads the worship because of His righteous jealousy to receive all glory, and He's simply inviting us to join Him in that worship. He is the center, the source, the facilitator, and the focus of all of the cries of Creation. Our part... well... His grace is a gentle reminder to us for singing a harmony we sang long ago and couldn't remember on our own.
Someone said that music is a window to the soul, and I think that's true, whether we're talented or not. God uses musical talent, for sure, but as said above, He WILL be worshiped no matter what. When Scripture talks about making a "joyful noise", I believe it's a state of the heart, not necessarily a pleasing sound. When leading worship, be sure to give yourself a lot of grace... remember that the worship- true worship- isn't dependent on YOU, but on HIM. If you make a mistake, play a wrong chord, sing a wrong lyric, even crash and burn on a song, be sure to forgive yourself. Move on, bask in His presence, and continue to invite others to do the same. This might be hard to understand, but from my perspective, if you have a pure motive of leading others to honor Him, you can do no wrong. Embarrassment has as small a place in leading musical worship as does pride or showmanship. If you think about it, they're rooted in the same thing. Why do we show off when leading worship? Because we've lost perspective- our pride tells us we need to look/sound good, but God tells us we need to focus on His glory. Why do we get embarrassed when we make a mistake while leading worship? Same reason. That is not at all to say that we shouldn't pursue excellence in musical worship- that in itself is an act of worship, and I know you're already doing it. :) Just be sure to forgive your own "mistakes", and keep the main thing the main thing.”
One thing I have learned is that part of growing into new positions, is allowing the new position to grow into me. Specifically, speaking of musical worship, it is inevitable to come across people in the church that like things their own way -- it happens in most churches in America. With that, it is important to gently nudge them in a different direction. I think the main thing is to love people. The ones that are the most set in their "worship ways" are the ones that are the most worried that they aren't valued, and that their years of experience are just just going to be cast aside. It is always important, and will continue to be important to reassure people that they are valuable, that their ministry matters, and that they're "good enough" to help lead.
“True worship is both simple and profound- you'll never stop learning, but you don't have to feel inadequate. I find it comforting that He WILL be worshiped... whether we take the time to do it or not. However, He can use any one of us to lead another to His throne, whether we feel like He can or not. That's what it boils down to- God is where it's at. His Spirit leads the worship because of His righteous jealousy to receive all glory, and He's simply inviting us to join Him in that worship. He is the center, the source, the facilitator, and the focus of all of the cries of Creation. Our part... well... His grace is a gentle reminder to us for singing a harmony we sang long ago and couldn't remember on our own.
Someone said that music is a window to the soul, and I think that's true, whether we're talented or not. God uses musical talent, for sure, but as said above, He WILL be worshiped no matter what. When Scripture talks about making a "joyful noise", I believe it's a state of the heart, not necessarily a pleasing sound. When leading worship, be sure to give yourself a lot of grace... remember that the worship- true worship- isn't dependent on YOU, but on HIM. If you make a mistake, play a wrong chord, sing a wrong lyric, even crash and burn on a song, be sure to forgive yourself. Move on, bask in His presence, and continue to invite others to do the same. This might be hard to understand, but from my perspective, if you have a pure motive of leading others to honor Him, you can do no wrong. Embarrassment has as small a place in leading musical worship as does pride or showmanship. If you think about it, they're rooted in the same thing. Why do we show off when leading worship? Because we've lost perspective- our pride tells us we need to look/sound good, but God tells us we need to focus on His glory. Why do we get embarrassed when we make a mistake while leading worship? Same reason. That is not at all to say that we shouldn't pursue excellence in musical worship- that in itself is an act of worship, and I know you're already doing it. :) Just be sure to forgive your own "mistakes", and keep the main thing the main thing.”
One thing I have learned is that part of growing into new positions, is allowing the new position to grow into me. Specifically, speaking of musical worship, it is inevitable to come across people in the church that like things their own way -- it happens in most churches in America. With that, it is important to gently nudge them in a different direction. I think the main thing is to love people. The ones that are the most set in their "worship ways" are the ones that are the most worried that they aren't valued, and that their years of experience are just just going to be cast aside. It is always important, and will continue to be important to reassure people that they are valuable, that their ministry matters, and that they're "good enough" to help lead.
June 14, 2010
Unconditional Love -- Part One
I know this is super long, but it is super worth it. This is a chapter out of a book that I have held near and dear to my heart for a while now. Such truth! Bear with me now.
Unconditional Love – Chapter 5 – “Grace” by Bob Lenz
The unconditional love of God: It’s more than a theology to be studied, more than a doctrine to be understood. It’s a subject that can’t fully be comprehended. It’s better than any romance movie. It’s what our hearts long for, that there is a person at the center of this truth, of this theology. A belief that He is also the creator of the universe and that He is, in reality, pursuing me. That makes my mind spin. Here is a collage of my thoughts and hopes, a collection of my internal conversations and spiritual interactions, hoping to allow my spirit and soul to encounter God’s love, moving beyond just theory, to experiencing it firsthand. I hope the same for you as you read it. I pray you come face to face with Him and His unconditional love.
Unconditional Love…
Too good to be true.
But it is. Only in fairy tales.
Not so.
What’s the catch?
None.
Beyond my wildest dreams.
But it’s in real life.
For others, but not me.
Called you by name.
Can’t be.
Is.
Won’t last.
Yes, forever.
What are the odds?
Sure thing.
What must I do?
Nothing.
A love without conditions.
No strings attached.
Known, understood, wanted, chosen,
Pursued, the apple of His eye!
His cherished possession.
His treasure.
Accepted for who I am.
Forgiven for what I’ve done.
Not wanted for what I have.
Not picked for my accomplishments.
Welcomed just as I am.
Not chosen because of my talents.
Embraced in my undeservedness.
Not His by my own doing.
Secure by His promise.
These words are mine because of
Unconditional love:
Free
Forgiveness
Gift
Justified
Grace
Salvation
Ransomed
Favor
Cherished
Redemption
Loving kindness
Faithful
Compassion
Unmerited
Undeserved
Generous
Thoughtfulness
Understanding
Helpful
Passionate
Sensitive
Unconditional love…
My goodness didn’t earn it!
My sinfulness cannot lose it!
Unconditional love…
My knowledge did not obtain it.
My foolishness couldn’t misplace it.
Unconditional love…
My desire didn’t possess it.
My carelessness can’t undo it.
Unconditional love…
My righteousness didn’t merit it.
My selfishness didn’t cancel it.
Unconditional love…
My prayer didn’t deserve it.
My lust didn’t nullify it.
Unconditional love…
My integrity didn’t secure it.
My wandering didn’t invalidate it.
Unconditional love…
My serving didn’t attain it.
My murderous thoughts couldn’t stop it.
Unconditional love…
My Bible reading didn’t acquire it.
My doubt didn’t withdraw it.
Unconditional love…
My religion didn’t reach it.
My idolatry didn’t restrain it.
Unconditional love…
My tithing didn’t buy it.
My jealousy didn’t negate it.
Unconditional love…
My obedience could not obtain it.
My anger did not repress it.
Unconditional love…
My kindness did not win it.
My drunkenness did not destroy it.
Unconditional love…
My self control did not reach it.
My fornication and adultery did not cancel it.
Unconditional love…
My church attendance wasn’t payment for it.
My absence didn’t dispose of it.
Unconditional love…
My commitments didn’t warrant it.
My divorce didn’t annul it.
Unconditional love…
My contentment didn’t coax it.
My anxieties didn’t scare it away.
Unconditional love…
My meditation couldn’t realize it.
My strife didn’t interrupt it.
Unconditional love…
My vows didn’t justify it.
My shame could not hide it.
Unconditional love…
My best cannot deserve it.
My worst has not, and will not destroy His love for me.
I am unconditionally loved…period.
Case closed!
Verdict given!
It is finished!
Over.
Done deal.
Irreversible.
No appeals!
Proclaimed as fact!
Loved…
Accepted…
Forgiven…
Forever!
Unconditionally loved?
Yes.
Face it!
Deal with it!
Reject it if you will, but that doesn’t change the fact…
You are loved.
By faith, receive it.
Believe it.
Count on it.
By faith, cling to it.
Repeat it.
Proclaim it.
Trust it.
Enjoy it.
By faith, sing of it.
Dance because of it.
Shout it!
Let that truth of love free you!
Fill you!
Forgive you!
Let it empower you,
Enrich you.
Encourage you!
Let it help you,
Hold you,
Give you hope!
Unconditional love…
There is nothing quite like unconditional love. Once I tasted it, nothing could ever satisfy me again…as if it ever really satisfied me before. At times I thought I felt satisfied, well at least in part. But it never lasted; it was only a partial, temporary fulfillment. You know? Like…
From the respect of recognition…to the accomplishment.
From the commendation of conquest…to the pride of possessions.
All fades in importance when I’m searching for what matters most.
All the things of earth grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace…
Unconditional love.
It comes down to relationships. Relationships are what matter, what count.
From fun fellowship, to the depth of friendship.
From the heart of a parent, to the bond of siblings.
From daily companionship, to the intimacy of lovers in marriage.
Relationships, for all they were meant to be and mean to us, even at their best are only a shadow, a fraction, an imperfect, tainted replica of what is meant to be with HIM. At it’s best…our hearts really long for, were designed for, and will only be fulfilled with…unconditional love.
But then, I need to be realistic and return to earth where I live. To me, even an imperfect, tainted replica of real love is more than I ever allow myself to dream of, or fantasize about, much less hope or long for.
Leave that to the young and foolish, the writers of fiction. Or, to be perfectly honest, leave it to the few, the brave, the chosen, the Jones’, or…the delusional.
For what was meant to be in relationships in my life is not only imperfect, but it’s broken into pieces beyond recognition to the natural eye. Dreams shattered into slivers so small no one by any condition would deem worthy,or of value, or of any dignity. Who would want what I have?
Yet I can’t face this reality. I can’t handle this.
The lack of purpose. The lack of meaning!
There must be more – more to this life.
Is this what it’s all about?
The search intensifies. I must find something, some ONE.
The hunger grown sand my pace is accelerated out of a need to belong.
My thirst is exaggerated to where my wants are mixed up with my need, and my life becomes busier and busier in pursuit of the American Dream of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I’ve never had so much, yet felt so depleted.
Never have I been so surrounded by so many people and felt so alone.
Never have I had so much to do, yet felt so little sense of contentment.
The vain pursuit of accomplishment and possessions make me cry out as a leech, crying for more…
More!
The wages of sin is…more!
Because it’s never enough.
SIN equals Still In Need
Never satisfied.
Void.
Emptiness.
Lack.
Vacuum.
Nothingness…
These are the words that now describe my soul, my being.
I’m reduced to just a human doing. My wants now own me.
I’m an apprentice to the Trumps of society, only to leave us both bankrupt once again with my cry for “luck to be a lady tonight” going unanswered yet again.
Yet I hear society cheering me on…
“Don’t give up!”
“Believe in yourself.”
“You can do it!”
“Stay positive.”
“Determination.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”
So I muster up all I have left that resembles hope…a little more guarded, protected, cautious. I call it wisdom from the school of hard knocks.
If I were honest…
I’d call it desperate.
Now I live in a fantasy of the future saying,
This time it will work…
This person is different.
This church.
This job.
This marriage.
This pregnancy.
This town.
This friendship.
In search of peace, hope, love.
Unconditional Love -- Part Two
I dull my senses with comforts, thrills, and romantic stimulation.
Thus the market for more…
Romance novels
Time shares
Bigger homes
Vacation/cruises
Promotions
Cars
Theme parks
Internet
Video games
iPods
Learn in your sleep
Add an inch
Lose weight
Renew your sex life
Yet with the law of diminishing return, few find the feeling of home, the unconditional love their hearts are looking for. Why would I be any different?
The result?
The soul no longer feels its worth.
Hopelessness has taken up residence.
Struggle and survival are now the only signs of life.
Some would insist that this isn’t life at all.
It’s just existence.
Now instead of living life to the fullest, I just endure another day.
Learning how to settle for less, I betray my original design and desire. I sell out. I give in. I succumb to the weariness within and the pressure without.
Denial is my only comfort. Escape is my only solitude. Harmony is left to the orchestra, and not for my inner being. I have become one with my universe and the confusion now spins me round and round the sun, but I feel no warmer.
All I can now call a feeling is anger.
I feel cheated, deceived, ripped off!
Contempt changes direction toward others…human-kind, organized religion, politics, my parents, my wife, and then…myself.
I’m not good enough.
I deserve this.
Finally, my anger is directed at God…
How could a God of love let this happen?
Is it chance?
Maybe there is no God.
But even the whining grows old and I become numb.
I’m growing hard, dying from the inside.
Depression, a sense of darkness, now looms over the emptiness.
Helplessness screams for release but finds nothing inside of me that can make things better.
It only insists there’s no way out.
Worthlessness now personified takes on a personality of its own, mocking me for ever thinking things could have been different for me – me, of all people.
It flashes my mistakes over and over in my mind, stripping me of any last feeling of a remnant of value.
“Why even care,” whispers a newcomer.
Worthlessness introduces her friend…
Apathy.
“I’ll take it from here,” she says in a vague and eerie voice. “There’s no need for you to do a thing. It wouldn’t matter anyway. You’re finished. Everything they said to you was true. They were right, so don’t forget what they said.” So, with a belittling voice filled with insults and put downs, the old sayings come back and never seem to end, going over and over in my head…
You knew better.
What were you thinking?
You idiot!
I told you that you would never amount to anything.
Way to screw up again.
Did you really think someone would want you?
Loser.
You’re pathetic.
You disgust me.
I told you you’d never be as good as your brother.
I didn’t expect any more of you.
You are such a disappointment.
You’re a waste of space.
I don’t even know who you are!
I told you…I told you!
You’ll never learn.
Don’t even talk to me.
How could you?
Look what you’ve done.
I hope you’re happy now.
Silence. (Neglect)
It’s your own fault.
What did you expect?
You’re no ordinary dummy.
Don’t touch me.
Get away from me!
Shut up. I don’t even want to hear it.
Excuses, excuses, excuses.
Now I’ve heard it all.
What next?
Did you think nobody would find out?
How stupid can you be?
That’s what you get.
I hope it hurts.
You made your bed, now sleep in it.
You’re only getting what you’ve got coming.
You fool.
You’re good for nothing.
You’re a piece of work.
You would ever love you?
What am I going to do with you?
You’re giving me a headache.
You’re like a pebble in my shoe.
I’m not even going to waste my time with you.
To me, you don’t even exist.
I warned you.
I told you she was no good.
It figures.Why do I even get my hopes up?
You’re nothing but a piece of trash.
You stink.
Your own mom doesn’t want you.
It would have been better if you were never born.
I wish I would never have met you.
Can’t you do anything right
You’re an accident waiting to happen.
Did I ask for your opinion?
You’re getting on my nerves.
It’s your own fault.
You’re only getting what you had coming.
You were an accident.
You’re not my kid.
Go play in traffic.
Shame on you.
I hate you.
I didn’t know they piled crap so high.
You’re just a failure.
Pack your bags.
You’re out of here!
Don’t ever come back.
I never want to see you again.
I feel sorry for your family.
You’re an embarrassment to everyone you know.
Don’t you have a decent bone in your whole body?
Go tell someone who cares.
You’re morally bankrupt.
You’re sick!
You’re just plain evil.
You’re a poor excuse for a person.
Ha, ha, ha, ha…
Look at you…
Na, na, na, na…
I want a divorce.
It’s over!
There’s someone else.
I don’t love you anymore.
You’re not worth it.
You’re boring.
You’re ugly.
You’re not good enough.
We picked someone else.
You’re fired.
We’re downsizing.
We don’t need your services anymore.
Beat it.
You blew it.
I don’t care.
Voices, voices, and more voices affirm my feelings of worthlessness.
Ever been there? I have. Maybe you’re there right now. You’re not alone. Countless people have been there.
Uncondiontal love…Change is impossible on our own. Righteousness is impossible on our own. Merit is impossible on our own. Holiness is impossible on our own. Salvation is impossible on our own.
“With people it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God.” Mark 10:27 (NASB)
Because of…
Jesus.
More than a teacher,
More than an example,
More than a man…
He is Emmanuel.
God with us.
The Savior of the world.
The world!
That includes you and me.
Evidence of grace in a believer’s life is…
Gratitude.
God did for me what I didn’t deserve and what I couldn’t and still can’t do for myself.
When I heard that Good News for myself, when I heard His word, it was saying to me personally, “You are loved beyond your wildest dreams; even in spite of your lack of hope.”
When I heard it was real, my heart flickered.
When I knew my goodness didn’t merit it and my sinfulness couldn’t prevent it, my heart ignited!
Like a thrill of hope…a weary heart rejoices.
You, too, will fall on your knees when you hear it, really hear it.
And your heart will beat as if for the first time. New life.
Humanly, I can’t even fathom that this is true.
But somehow I believe…
That’s faith! Beyond me – outside myself.
More than normal – above the natural – a sense of wonder.
My spirit breathes its first breath.
A ray of light, a sign of life – real life.
A sense of, “Could this be?” It is.
Authentic, genuine…unconditional love.
My soul cries out as a newborn…
“Yes! Yes! This is what I’ve been waiting and longing for!
What I was made for.
Created for.
Designed for. Just this…
Relationship.
It’s like someone breathed new life into me.
Awakened me from a deep sleep.
Rescued me from an enemy.
Raised me from my deadness.
Called me into a new story.
Beckoned me to come on a new journey.
Softened and molded my hard lump of clay.
Wrote a new ending to the play of my life.
Painted a different backdrop and called me His masterpiece.
He called me His beloved.
Chosen.
Precious.
How could this be? Yet I somehow am driven to, almost made to…
You see?
It’s irresistible…
I believe.
I believe!
I know my failures, yet I stand forgiven.
I know my past, yet I have a future.
I know I don’t deserve it, but it’s assured.
I know my depravity, yet He’s given me dignity.
I know my weakness, yet sense a strength.
I know my shortcomings,yet feel complete.
I have a reason, a purpose, and at the same time, a peace and a rest. I belong.
Yet, I am called to action.
I know it’s OK to just be, to be the me I was meant to be.
My value is not in who I am, but whose I am.
And why?
Not because of what I’ve done, or not done, but because of who He is and what He’s done.
He’s has made a way to enter into a relationship with Him – the God of the universe.
God is love, and He created me to share in that love. I was designed to bring glory to God by enjoying Him forever.
Starting now.
Knowing His love alone brings fulfillment, peace, worth, value, joy, lasting hope.
Knowing Him is life, for He is the one true God.
The only way to obtain that relationship is through what He did by loving me unconditionally through His Son, Jesus.
Unconditionally loved?
Yes.
Like A Muddy Foam or A Feeble Trickle
Here are some quotes that a friend of mine recently shared with me. Please, be encouraged and challenged along with me. They are all written by Tom Holladay unless otherwise indicated.
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." ~ C.S. Lewis in "The Four Loves"
"Jesus doesn't want you to try your hardest; Jesus wants you to learn to trust in him. Jesus set the bar so high that the only way it could be reached was by living and thinking in an entirely new way. Christianity is not trying harder; Christianity is trusting Jesus."
"I am spellbound by the intensity of Jesus' emotions; not a twinge of pity, but heartbroken compassion; not a passing irritation, but terrifying anger; not a silent tear, but groans of anguish; not a weak smile, but ecstatic celebration. Jesus' emotions are like a mountain river, cascading with clear water. My emotions are more like a muddy foam or feeble trickle. Jesus invites us to come to him and drink. Whoever is thirsty and believes in him will have the river of his life flowing out from the innermost being (John 7:37-38). We are not to be merely spellbound by what we see in the emotional Jesus; we are to be unbound by his Spirit so that his life becomes our life, his emotions our emotions, to be "transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory." ~ G. Watler Hansen in "The Emotions of Jesus"
Based on Matthew 5:30 ("If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away.") "Jesus is telling us not to let anything get in the way of the radical heart change he wants to work in our lives. Throughout the Bible, the 'right hand' is a picture of that which is most important, most precious, most valued. what you allow into your heart is serious business. So take it seriously. Be willing to say, I will do anything it takes to ensure that my heart is in the right place.' What you allow into your heart affects every relationship. So when you recognize some unforgiveness, some bitterness, some lust in your heart, don't try to just taper it off. Cut it off as quickly as possible because what's happening in your heart is having a negative impact on your relationships with God and others. Jesus reminds us of how crucial this is when he says, 'Cut off your right hand.' Take your heart seriously and act radically."
"True fellowship cannot be forced or scheduled; it must be chosen and accepted."
"Without people around you who are different from you, you'll never truly grow."
"True love sacrifices. The greatest sacrificed may not be the once-in-a-lifetime sacrifices; they may well be the daily sacrifices. You give up your way and seek another person's good. No one else may even know you did it, but you'll know you acted in response to Jesus' love for you."
"That best portion of a good man's life, his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love." ~ William Wordsworth
"Jesus Christ can give a power in your relationships that you never dreamed possible - power to love and grow, power so that you are not relationally worn down at the end of every day."
"God wants us to depend on him for the power to love. So he challenges us to love in a way we can only accomplish through daily dependence on his power."
"Questions about priority are questions about faith. If I have faith that God will care for me, it frees me to live with a certain set of priorities; if instead I feel that it's up to me to take care of myself, my priorities will go in a completely different direction."
"God does not demand of me that I accomplish great things. He does demand of me that I strive for excellence in my relationships."
"When you love the Lord, you love Him with a unique voice - a voice different in tone, different in soul, from any other voice God hears in all of creation. Love God uniquely with the personality he's fashioned into your life."
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." ~ C.S. Lewis in "The Four Loves"
"Jesus doesn't want you to try your hardest; Jesus wants you to learn to trust in him. Jesus set the bar so high that the only way it could be reached was by living and thinking in an entirely new way. Christianity is not trying harder; Christianity is trusting Jesus."
"I am spellbound by the intensity of Jesus' emotions; not a twinge of pity, but heartbroken compassion; not a passing irritation, but terrifying anger; not a silent tear, but groans of anguish; not a weak smile, but ecstatic celebration. Jesus' emotions are like a mountain river, cascading with clear water. My emotions are more like a muddy foam or feeble trickle. Jesus invites us to come to him and drink. Whoever is thirsty and believes in him will have the river of his life flowing out from the innermost being (John 7:37-38). We are not to be merely spellbound by what we see in the emotional Jesus; we are to be unbound by his Spirit so that his life becomes our life, his emotions our emotions, to be "transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory." ~ G. Watler Hansen in "The Emotions of Jesus"
Based on Matthew 5:30 ("If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away.") "Jesus is telling us not to let anything get in the way of the radical heart change he wants to work in our lives. Throughout the Bible, the 'right hand' is a picture of that which is most important, most precious, most valued. what you allow into your heart is serious business. So take it seriously. Be willing to say, I will do anything it takes to ensure that my heart is in the right place.' What you allow into your heart affects every relationship. So when you recognize some unforgiveness, some bitterness, some lust in your heart, don't try to just taper it off. Cut it off as quickly as possible because what's happening in your heart is having a negative impact on your relationships with God and others. Jesus reminds us of how crucial this is when he says, 'Cut off your right hand.' Take your heart seriously and act radically."
"True fellowship cannot be forced or scheduled; it must be chosen and accepted."
"Without people around you who are different from you, you'll never truly grow."
"True love sacrifices. The greatest sacrificed may not be the once-in-a-lifetime sacrifices; they may well be the daily sacrifices. You give up your way and seek another person's good. No one else may even know you did it, but you'll know you acted in response to Jesus' love for you."
"That best portion of a good man's life, his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love." ~ William Wordsworth
"Jesus Christ can give a power in your relationships that you never dreamed possible - power to love and grow, power so that you are not relationally worn down at the end of every day."
"God wants us to depend on him for the power to love. So he challenges us to love in a way we can only accomplish through daily dependence on his power."
"Questions about priority are questions about faith. If I have faith that God will care for me, it frees me to live with a certain set of priorities; if instead I feel that it's up to me to take care of myself, my priorities will go in a completely different direction."
"God does not demand of me that I accomplish great things. He does demand of me that I strive for excellence in my relationships."
"When you love the Lord, you love Him with a unique voice - a voice different in tone, different in soul, from any other voice God hears in all of creation. Love God uniquely with the personality he's fashioned into your life."
June 4, 2010
Better Together
I want to share something with you that Scott Grabendike, senior pastor at Westbrook Church in Hartland, Wisconsin, wrote in one of his emails:
The purpose of our unity and togetherness is not merely so that we can benefit, but so that the world will benefit - so that the world may believe you have sent me.
Check out the song! It's a good one... Better Together.
There is a line that runs through one of Jack Johnson songs, that says, it’s always better when we’re together. I am pretty sure the song was written about a love interest, but the lyrics are equally true of the church. It’s always better when we’re together. We are stronger when we are together. We are a fuller representation of the Body of Christ when we are together. Our worship can be more vibrant and meaningful when we are together. In general, “we are better when we are together”.
It has always been a part of God’s design that we would be together. This does not mean that every introvert in the church needs to become an extrovert - some people will still need their time apart from people. It does mean, however, that it is God’s design that we experience and express unity when we assemble as the church. Jesus in John 17 describes the unity that he has with God the Father and prays for this same kind of unity for his followers. "My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me” (John 17:20-21).
Check out the song! It's a good one... Better Together.
Speeding Tickets, J-Walking and Operation Passion
This past week, River City's regular Sunday services were canceled. The whole congregation went instead to serve the community in and around Wheatley Courts (government housing, and the like). Over 500 of us headed down, partnering with their local ministry Victory East. We wanted it to be important to build a solid relationship with them, as they are the ones that will continue to be there next week, and the week after. We had a morning service at 9:30am out in the courts, filled with Scripture, prayer and worship through song. Groups of 50 went on out through the streets to pick up trash, weed-whack and get to know the residents. Following that, there was a carnival for the children and lunch for everyone.
Operation Passion -- click on this link to see an entire album of amazing pictures.
And enjoy a short video clip with footage from our morning -- RealLife on Youtube
Alrighty, so on Monday (my day off), my host family decided to take me down to the Riverwalk! It was super sweet. We went on one of those little boat tours, ate some authentic Tex Mex, and paraded throughout the Mexican Marketplace. Live, south american-esque music, greasy food, cheap trinkets (I was tempted to buy a plastic donut -- uhh, what the heck!)... brought me back to memories at the fair, and reminded me that people will buy almost anything. Booo on that!
On the way there, we got pulled over for speeding on the highway. Seriously? There were people going even faster than us -- oh jeez. I guess we were the lucky ones. At least we weren't on our way to the church....
After getting the ticket, and trying to mosey our way through the city crowds, we figured eh, let's see how many illegal things we can do in one day. J-walking seemed like a good option for us. Ohh, that brings back memories, haha. But yeah, my host family has been such a great example to me :)
Remember the Alamo...
Operation Passion -- click on this link to see an entire album of amazing pictures.
And enjoy a short video clip with footage from our morning -- RealLife on Youtube
Alrighty, so on Monday (my day off), my host family decided to take me down to the Riverwalk! It was super sweet. We went on one of those little boat tours, ate some authentic Tex Mex, and paraded throughout the Mexican Marketplace. Live, south american-esque music, greasy food, cheap trinkets (I was tempted to buy a plastic donut -- uhh, what the heck!)... brought me back to memories at the fair, and reminded me that people will buy almost anything. Booo on that!
On the way there, we got pulled over for speeding on the highway. Seriously? There were people going even faster than us -- oh jeez. I guess we were the lucky ones. At least we weren't on our way to the church....
After getting the ticket, and trying to mosey our way through the city crowds, we figured eh, let's see how many illegal things we can do in one day. J-walking seemed like a good option for us. Ohh, that brings back memories, haha. But yeah, my host family has been such a great example to me :)
Remember the Alamo...
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